Question

[Nguyễn Thị Hiền]

Can you tell me about your sad story

Answer 1

[Descendants of the sun]

Why do you want to listen?

Answer 2

[phanthilan]

My son married a girl that I sincerely d. I tried to make her feel welcome into our family. Several of my friends and family did not trust or this person very much. I constantly defended her actions. She has an alcoholic father and lived with a very emotionally distant mother who also suffered from cancer most of this girls life. Her mother died when she was in her early twenties. I lost my mom, who was a wonderful woman, to cancer when I was in my twenties. I thought we had something in this that could bond us at some level.

My husband and I paid the majority of their wedding and all of their honeymoon which was exactly what they wished for in location. I did everything to be a good MIL and friend. Once married, I believe parents have to give their children space. I wasn’t one of those who called daily or interfered. I told my children when they had a fight with their spouse to work it out. I didn’t want them to come to me complaining and putting negativity in my mind. Because I knew they would most certainly make up and I would be left with this negative feeling/image. I had Sunday evening dinner for any of my three sons and their spouse or girlfriend IF they had time and could make it. I told them early in the week if we were definitely doing it, because it wasn’t set in stone. I told them the planned menu and all I asked was to let me know by noon on Saturday if they could make it. I wanted to have enough food, but not too much. I also ASKED after they were married if they would for me to cook them a birthday dinner on the Sunday close to their BD and if so they got to chose the menu and dessert. I also got them a gift. My usual spending limit was $50.

About two years into this sons marriage he and his spouse told me that “I” didn’t have boundaries and that I was not to ask them ANY personal questions. If there was something I needed to know, they would tell me. I will add here, that I am not the kind of person who asks “when are you going to get pregnant” or anything at all of a private nature. MY questions were more general in the manner of “How was your week?” Or “How are your migraines?” My DIL seemed to suffer from those frequently and I was concerned.

About five years into their marriage I started having seizures and became very ill. I have been suffering a variety of symptoms and had gone to several specialists. It was about this time I was finally diagnosed. I was extremely sick and unable to drive for almost two years. First due to the seizures and then to debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. All my life I have battled major chronic depression. This too, along with medical issues became worse.

Instead of being supportive and calling to check on me (to my husband, other two sons or other DIL), they just started saying horrible things about me. I have worked since I was 14 and when this happened I had a successful insurance agency. I was accused of being a pain pill or opiate addict. I told them on multiple occasions that yes I did have prescriptions for pain medication because I was in extreme pain, but I did not take full doses or as often as I could because I was scared of the possibility of addiction! I had a small amount built up and locked in a safe at that time. I and my husband offered to show them. They didn’t need to see it. They just simply chose to believe a lie.

Then about eight months ago I got two letters. One from my DIL and one from my son accusing me of all kinds of horrible and hurtful things. I read them over and over and over. I began to question myself. I “thought” I had always been a good mom. But this made it sound I was the worst ever. I was accused of talking about them to my friends and family. I had only ever defended her. So after three weeks of almost non stop crying and coming to the point of a nervous breakdown, I called my two sisters and my closest friends. All of who know me as a mom and a friend. I let them read the letters only after they promised to tell me the truth. I was beyond devastated. My son and I were always so very close. They were all shocked at how I had been attacked. My family and friends have all been informed of these actions and it just breaks my heart.

The saddest thing is knowing that a psycho narcissis person (who has been working on a psychology degree for ten years) has been working the last ten years to slowly, methodically and purposefully to make my son forget how wonderful his family is. Not perfect by any means. But supportive, loving and a real family. He thinks these things have been his idea. By these things I mean cutting off all communication with me, his father and his brothers. He has no one around him except who she allows. But she has gaslighted or brainwashed him so well and so slowly that he really believes it’s reality. She wants him to believe that she and her very dysfunctional family and the very few friends she allows are enough. It’s sad because my son is highly educated. But all those degrees mean nothing if you wake up one day and realize you’ve missed years with the people who love you.

I have developed heart issues because of the physical pain and anguish. My cardiologist was confused at some of my tests. I don’t have high BP or bad cholesterol and yet I was having abnormal readings. I go in Friday for a heart procedure. I pray my son opens his eyes before it’s too late and he has to live a life filled with the guilt of knowing what he’s done.

I have sent him several messages, even though he’s not spoken to me in eight months. I tell him that I love him, I miss him and I will always be here to support him. I wrote him a letter in case something does happen to me letting him know that I forgive him. I know he is smart but I know that years and years of lies and twisting the truth will become anyone’s reality. I’m just sorry it happened to him and he had so much of his world stolen. He really is missing so very much. This is the saddest thing I can imagine any mother going through.

I love my son more than life. The really sad thing is, if my DIL was sincerely sorry and remorseful I would take her back into our family and love her too. I guess I’m the fool. But I can’t help having a big heart and caring.